Josh Hillebrand LCSW

I’ve been working on anger with a lot of clients recently. Some people need support in acting on their anger. For these folks, they tend to be conflict-avoidant, will push down their anger, put a smile on their face to keep the peace. Others need help taking a step back from their anger – right now, they’re entire body-mind is getting hijacked by anger and they are lashing out at themselves and others in ways that later elicit a lot of shame and guilt.

Anger is a powerful emotion. It’s definitely something I have needed to learn to work with time and time again. Even still, I can still go into judgment mode with myself for getting too “irrationally” angry because the pedestrian in front of me is walking so slowly (and I have places to be!!!) or if I get mad about losing a game of online chess and my brain produces all sorts of expletive-poetry.

For me, it’s also an emotion that has been influenced by multiple social constructs (emotions are never just biological phenomena happening in a vacuum). In terms of gender, men are often sanctioned to be more attuned to and expressive of their anger than other emotions. It’s more expected to see a man yelling in public than crying in public. In terms of religion, anger has Old Testament connotations for me. I was raised in a conservative, fundamentalist Christian household so reading about the wrath and jealousy of angry and just God was a frequent occurrence. In terms of race, my whiteness could give me a sense of entitlement that could manifest as righteous indignation.

However, it’s important that, like all emotions, there is something inherently valid about anger. At its core, this emotion is about protection: it can motivate us to stand up for ourselves and our loved ones, to take important action when there is injustice. It’s a part of the human experience. Still, it can be a trickier emotion to navigate because of its power. Here are some tips for working with anger in effective ways.

If you’re someone who tends to avoid anger to an unhelpful degree, reflect on the following questions:

• What are you afraid might happen if you allow yourself to express your anger? That you’ll lose control, that you will lose relationships, or you won’t be able to tolerate the fiery emotion itself?
• Think of where and when and from whom you might have learned that it is not okay to express anger. Did you grow up in a family that tended to sweep things under the carpet? Or maybe you a parent who had such explosive anger that it was terrifying and you learned the message that you can never allow yourself to get to that point?
• See if you can begin expressing your anger to yourself – not necessarily spiraling into a heated form of rumination but rather acknowledging any anger that might be present. Like, “Yup, I’m feeling angry that I lost that chess game and now my cheeks are feeling hotter.” If you work on your ability to mindfully acknowledge and validate anger with yourself, you’ll be laying a foundation to be able to express anger effectively to others when needed.

If you’re someone who tends to be overcome and overwhelmed by anger, such that you’re feeling out of control, here are a few ideas:

• First, it might be helpful to learn a few quick and effective self-regulation skills in case your anger is throwing you into fight-flight-freeze mode during which your prefrontal cortext is offline. I would recommend the TIPP skill in particular for a rapid deescalation method that works by activating the parasympathetic nervous system.
• Next, identify what your common triggers for anger, even for low levels of annoyance and irritability. Information is power, so the more you know about what can set your anger off, the better you’ll be able to recognize it and intervene earlier. If you wait too long to practice regulation skills, the anger will likely take over and be in the driver’s seat. So, it’s important to act when the anger is at a low-moderate leve before it gets high.
• Imagine how you would like to be able to handle situations more effectively. You can tap into a personal sense of values for this – think about how you would like others to think about you and your relationship with anger. Perhaps there is a part of you that would like to be known as someone who can keep their cool, be flexible, gentle, or kind. Then, imagine yourself acting in those ways in the presence of the triggers. This is call imaginal rehearsal and can increase the chance of you acting in these more effective ways when you encounter these triggers in actuality.
• Mindfulness practices can be very helpful, as they can help build our ability to sit with discomfort and delaying automatic reactions that get the better of us.

Feel free to reach out if you’d be interested in doing personal work related to your anger!